The Courage To Be Disliked (Koga/Kishimi) 2013

A summary of Alfred Adler, "Someone has to start"

A conversation about the philosophy/psychology of Austrian Alfred Adler, who says life is all about interpersonal relationships and their associated conflicts.  We should strive to be self-reliant, and live in harmony with society; “I have the ability” and “people are my comrades.”  When we spend our time worrying about what other people think, we are in a self-centered way of thinking, and it is a way of thinking that causes feelings of inferiority, the need to compete with others, and any other variety of anxiety producing feelings.  When we compete with others, we cannot be happy for them; their happiness is “my defeat.”  Likewise, because we never want to “lose”, we do not see problems clearly, and are unable to admit our own mistakes, thus limiting the potential paths we can take.  When we abandon the self-centered way of thinking, constantly wondering what other people think, we are truly free to do as we want.  The paradox is, when we abandon self-centered thinking, we are better able to focus on the needs of others, how we can better help other people, how we can lead horses to water, and we thus begin to think of other people as our friends, our community, our comrades, not our enemies, our competitors, and people who look down upon us.  Then we want to share with them and contribute to our communities. This can give one a sense of belonging, making active commitments to our communities; there is always more than the small community right in front of you.  Feeling beneficial to the community is subjective, and thinking oneself beneficial to the community or of benefit to someone is the only way we can feel self worth.  Happiness is the feeling of contribution.  “I want to do _X_ but i need _Y_ first”, “I want to do _X_ if it weren't for _Y_”, “If only i were Y, then i could X” -- in these scenarios, Y are the rationalizations we use for not doing or attempting X, for whatever our underlying psychological reasons are.  We manufacture bodily conditions (anxiety) and rationalize to avoid doing things.  This is not to say we should abandon being realistic – but we must make the most of the “equipment” that we are given (this, is, who we are).  The braggart, one with a superiority complex, has deep feelings of inferiority; as much as someone with an inferiority complex (where one uses feelings of inferiority as an excuse).  Adler says that someone adopts their way of being at around age 10.  Adler denies trauma, and says that it is about the meaning we assign to trauma, and thus, how we react to it.  We make out our traumas to whatever suits our purposes.  Points out, as does Tavris, that anger is a tool; we do not yell with anger “out of control” using a knife to stab people and a gun to kill them, saying it’s not our fault (usually).  If one chooses a new lifestyle, life becomes unpredictable, one doesn’t know what will happen to them, and what kind of events they will have to deal with; it is easier and more secure to stay as is.  People like to use “I could do it if I had time” or whatever as an excuse to avoid potential rejection, production of something inferior, or outright failure.  Someone who does not like themself will avoid interpersonal relationships, find their own shortcomings, and use them as excuses why you can live in your own shell.  Someone who is an extreme shut-in, problem behavior, or some other victim condition, will actually be used to illicit special attention – thus, as a victim, one becomes special; everyone responses to a baby, no one can dominate it.  The idea of loneliness and the individual are a paradox – to be lonely, we need other people, and we can only be “individuals” if there are other people as well.  Value is based on social contexts, from people to diamonds – just a shiny rock, a dollar a piece of paper.  How you assign value should come from within; if you use other people’s value systems, you are living a lie.  Adler says love means wanting your partner to be happy; that is love.  People who restrict one another will have relationships that fall apart.  One should be able to feel they can behave freely with the person they love; restriction is a manifestation of the mind-set of attempting to control one’s partner, founded on a sense of distrust.  If one’s mind is filled with doubt, everything is seen as suspicious.  Adler says parents should try to lead a horse to water with child-rearing – not by admonishing, nor by praising.  Adler says children can sense that the parents are afraid of the failure of their children, and thus of society; so the children rebel, because they do not care for the sake of the children.  This parent thinks “my child is my life.”  Other people are not living to satisfy your expectations.  Through the division of tasks, the child has his, and the parents have their own; one must offer encouragement and aid for the child when he is ready to study.  One must discard tasks that are not their own; we must not seek reward.  When we take away someone else’s tasks, they will lose the courage to do on their own.  We put out a friendly “hello” into the World – if we do not get one back, so be it.  Change cannot be forced, and you cannot make the horse drink.  Freedom is being disliked by other people.  Then you can live in accordance with your own principles.  We have the power to change interpersonal relationships; Adler says “someone has to start.”  Even if the other party is not willing, we have done our part.  One can begrudge the memory of an abusive father, or one can choose not to; if you use it as an excuse, you can continue to have a bad relationship, but if you want the relationship to get better, you can let go.  Changing goals changes everything.  Encourages horizontal, instead of vertical relationships, where we treat others as equals.  “If you are afraid to have confidence in others, in the long run you will not be able to build deep relationships with anyone.”  If one can enter deep relationships through confidence in others, relations can grow, and so can joy.  “Money is coined freedom” Dostoyevsky.  People can work to be able to contribute to others, and to have a feeling of belonging; thus, it is not just for money.  A person who lacks life harmony will see the one person he disliked, and make a judgment of the world from it.  The workaholic uses work as an excuse to avoid life balance and other responsibilities.  Lives are to be lived in the now – they are a series of dots, not a linear progress.  People think staying on the progression of linear progress, as dictated by society’s values, leads to happiness.  One must live life like dancing, because dancing is the goal, one is not concerned of arriving somewhere by doing it.  This does not mean someone must shirk all planning and the future, but we must do our actions “like dancing,” “in the now,” enjoying life along the way.  If you are dancing, you will get somewhere; people take life too seriously.  It does not matter if we make It to the top of the mountain or not, merely that we climbed on the mountain if we wanted to.  Anyone can change, the future is a blank page, there are no tracks laid for you to follow.  One shines a spotlight on now, and does what they can, in earnest (but not too seriously), conscientiously.  Setting objectives in the distant future postpones life; we never go anywhere, and pass our days in monotony, with the here and now as the preparatory period.  Adler points out the objective meaningless of life; thus, it is up to us to assign meaning to it.  Adler: “Someone has to start.  Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you.  My advice is this: You should start.”