Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion (1989) Carol Tavris
Adjusting Expectations & Reframing Thoughts
A big part of anger is culture; someone’s expectations, and those not being met. There are many cultures in which anger does not play a large role; thus, when cultures collide, anger can spark when there is difference in how people “should” behave – and this difference can also be between the rules of anger rather than just between the rules themselves; anger can be the beginning of an exchange in Hispanic culture, or the end of an exchange in Anglo culture. American culture tells you you can have it all; when you cannot obtain it all, you become irritated and upset. Thus, anger is not a natural or inherent behavior, but it is more learned. Discredits theories which say you need to just “let it out” and that you will then feel better; to use anger effectively, one must get to the root of the problem; why are you angry. Just rehearing your angry choruses can actually make you more angry; the most cathartic “Get it out” strategy is to direct the anger at the target somehow, expressing it on a once and for all way to leave it behind -- I.e. the woman who sent two wine glasses and a bottle to say goodbye to her ex husband. “Confession” is about reframing, finding meaning, and putting it behind you. If you are angry at an injustice, you can learn to put the injustice in perspective, or you can try to change it head-on. Suggests a middle path for angry people feeling injustice; assign 50% of anger to external forces, but 50% to internal forces. Oftentimes anger can serve to mask an underlying issue that is easier to not address, I.e. a wife with low self esteem who is left by her husband; it is easier to remain angry at the ex husband than to address the low self-esteem. Points out the chemical reasons why hunger can be reduced by excitement, anger, or being wildly in love (epinephrine and norepinephrine). If you blame internal factors, you can feel guilt, regret, resignation and shame; if you blame external factors, you get angry at “the system.” Reiterates that some people value a way of life based in pleasure and self-indulgence, while others prefer responsibility and loyalty; those who embrace the latter may be more likely to feel powerless. Successful therapy should help break down self-deceptive, self-protective excuses to face the link between themselves and actions; if someone is a helpless slave of a problem, I.e. a bad mother, they will never get out of the trap. We like “solutions” which are easy like a vitamin because they are easier than rearranging one’s life or swallowing unbearable truth. Points out differences in Israel where the generation with the highest rate of heart disease is the first generation – they have a cultural split of value between the parents and the country; their children have an easier go at it. Being angry can push other people away and stymy the social relationships that protect people from stress and illness; thus, being type A to do well can help you in life, being type A to crush all of the competition may isolate you socially; intense feelings of frustration and fury about events out of one’s control lead to heart disease. Parental overinvolvement and the resulting bad behavior is really a plea for the parent to figure everything out for you; thus, here, the libertarian approach where children are empowered to do things and figure out solutions and meet responsibilities is the best one – echoed is the idea that having high expectations for children is good for them (as says Sowell). Suggests a middle path for discipline – a combination of authority but also of understanding, setting boundaries, and most importantly, being consistent. When people realize they can take responsibility and do things on their own, their anger dissipates. Attitude plays a huge role in how we respond to interruptions and life in general; I.e. how do we respond to the road noise on our busy street – do we like living in the city, or do we hate it. If we are interrupted constantly by the children, do we love the children, or are we sick of them. Points out that men and women are not naturally more physically angry; men just happen to be more injurious. Cultural aspects of what men are expected to do, the male role, play a larger part in aggression than in natural anger. Wnen people start to question their “place” in society, that can provoke anger on the parts of the complacent and powerful. People who overfocus on others can feel self-righteous, but in the course of helping, they stop focusing on their own problems; the more someone tries to change another, the more the other becomes entrenched in the status quo. It is thus important with anger to always ask why it is happening, identify its role and purpose. Biases of mind preserve self-confidence and keep us moving towards our goals; people can feel anger when their worldview which is settled is threatened. “People who score highest on tests of self-deception... score the lowest on measures of psychopathology and depression. Humans have a psychological need to find meaning and order in life; people get what they deserve, the sinful are punished; the belief in justice is a “fundamental delusion”; if nothing about injustice can actually done, the facts will be reinterpreted to make it just (blame the victim, deny the evidence, reinterpret). Self-blame in instances of rape tells the person that they can still be safe out there in the World; if it was actually not your fault, that means you are always at risk. The pros and cons of an authoritarian family structure; the wife gets a great deal from prohibitions on traditional male vices (smoking, drinking, ignoring kids). As points out Hoffer, and quoting De Tocqueville, “evils which are patiently endured when they seem inevitable become intolerable when once the idea of escape from them is suggested.” -- once you feel like you are close to achieving that goal, it becomes all the more desirable. People will feel angry about an injustice if they 1. want what they don’t have and 2. feel that they deserve what they do not have. Suggests a chicken and egg scenario for change – that demographic shifts and external factors drove women to work, not the women’s movement itself – financial pressures, women had worked during the war, increase of consumer culture, and jobs were available. “The ability to laugh [during Stalin] was a sign that a person could be trusted, because it signified an irreverent attitude toward history and its policemen.” Humor can be therapeutic. Dealing with insecure people, it is good to remain focused on what needs to be done; continue to frame conversations this way rather than kowtowing to bad behavior. Self help groups can help people to feel not alone; this can be more valuable than therapy, because the people have a similar issue. Survivors of tragedy do not blame themselves, and they get on with their lives; “I don’t know why me, but it wasn’t my fault.” “Prolonged anger is often a way for a person to feel that he or she is righting a wrong, simply by maintaining a punitive emotional state.”